I find this dilemma rather common for younger
couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, “falling out of love”
and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and
this is not merely a female problem!) wants to
“recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other”
who has stirred those dormant feelings and this
person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a
less than an ideal relationship, which means, of
course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of
affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs,
romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies)
teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be.
“Falling in love” is the norm – the
implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or
if it goes away, something is wrong – with you,
your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship
must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that
loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…)
usually experiences a high degree of guilt and
conflict. He/she is often married to a “good”
person and the desire to “find that loving
feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and
immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this
person usually has a great deal of intuition and
sensitivity) it is known at another level that
he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and
excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera.
Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally
intense relationships reigns rather than living
life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps
healthy models, of the shifts needed as a
relationship matures. For example, “falling out
of love” usually happens when the attractors
become the distracters. For example: His love for
fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to
him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and
calm, which drew him initially to her, become
control.
5. The person “looking for love” is
actually looking for the ideal, someone out there,
who will project back to him/her that he/she is
OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think
another adores him/her, because there is a lack of
inner strength and solid identity. The other
becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being
“in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a
part of these relationships. Sexual activity may
indeed END the relationship or at least move it to
the point where the attractors become, again, the
distracters. The idealized images may be held
together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love
letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there
is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The
responsibility of raising children, starting and
maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become
the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a
foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for
this type of affair after the children are in
school and/or the oldest child reaches early
adolescence. (There are good reasons for this,
from a family systems perspective, but I won’t
get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this
type of relationship, make sure you hold and care
for your self. Your spouse does not have the
capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this
point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less
about you and much more about the emptiness within
her/him. It is time for you to know you better.
Model for him/her what it means to be a person
with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with
values, with meaning, with purpose and actively
figure out what your needs are, and get them met.
Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not.
Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of
affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of
them ending a marriage and what you can do about
it, visit my site.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has
helped hundreds of couples over the past two
decades heal from the agony of extramarital
affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website
at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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