Ask someone why they had, or are having an
affair and you may hear
something like this: “I have a lousy marriage.
My marriage is dead. There
is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The
love is gone. We’ve grown
apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was
nothing happening in the
marriage and the affair just happened.”
These statements are rationalizations and fail
to “get at” the underlying issues.
Key points:
1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone
bad. A marriage does not
have a life of it’s own. In reality, there is no
such thing as a “marriage.”
One is “married” as a result of making some
promises and signing a
paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two
people continue
communicating and acting toward one another in
particular ways that they
hope will help them get what they individually
want. Just as there is no
“marriage,” there is no such thing as a
“relationship.” There are, however,
ways of relating for which each person is
responsible. Remember the
comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his
“The devil made me
do it” skit?
2. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic
relationships” with the
expectation we will get what we want, without much
effort to boot. The
movies, popular public press and romance
novels/stories don’t help much
here. A “marriage” is behind the eight ball
from the word go. “IT” can’t win.
3. From day one most of us don’t have a clue
about how to get, build,
nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of
relating. We need
‘love 101’ and it’s not there. We rely upon
experimentation or bad models.
4. If the “marriage” is dead, why in the
world would one choose to
have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying
pan into the fire.
It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of
deceit and shame that eventually
will result in consequences more dire than
approaching your spouse and
saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m doing
with you obviously is not working.
I want out.” Oh well, maybe some people need
more problems and suffering.
5. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I
don’t have to look at me.
I can blame “it” or the other. Some of us find
it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t
know how to look at me. Some of us never think of
looking at me.
Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and
affair and blames it on the “marriage,”
don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the
problem. You are
not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the
affair out of ignorance,
fear or inadequacy.
The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one
of 7 affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free
From the Affair.” For more information on the
issues behind the other kinds of affairs and tips
for dealing with them, visit my site.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has
helped hundreds of couples over the past two
decades heal from the agony of extramarital
affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website
at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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